Broken: The Beginning of the End

It’s funny how she had always known her life would end this way. Trapped and alone. Well maybe not funny, but definitely interesting. How many times did she ignore her inner voice and the pictures that flew through her mind’s eye that she just cast off without thought or reason believing it to only be her vivid imagination? Well, here she was, the last moments of her life exactly as she had seen it every time she ever contemplated how her life might end.

She was actually glad her pain was almost over. She almost laughed at that thought because at the moment she didn’t really feel any physical pain. She could however sense how broken her body was. She knew her life would end soon. She had no doubts. She was blessedly relieved to know it too. She waited patiently for the physical pain to slam into her. Like in so many of the books she read, she girded her loins.

She almost, almost laughed at that thought. She couldn’t understand why it was taking so long for the pain to come. Maybe, she thought, just maybe it was because she was so close to death’s door, maybe she would never feel it. Maybe it would never come. Maybe she was so broken she would never feel a thing.

It was ironic, sitting here, waiting, waiting for death to take her and right before her eyes was one of the most beautiful scenes she had ever seen in her whole life. It was breathtakingly beautiful, and she almost cried thinking it might be the first and only time she would get to see it. Then she almost laughed at the absurdity of the whole thing, for life to wait until the last moment of her existence to finally show her something, a single thing that she wished she could see again, and again. So she just kept on looking at it, holding herself away from the impending blackness that was waiting to swallow her for as long as she could, for as long as she could keep her eyes open.

Everything was coated in fine crystals, each crystal a rainbow of colors as the sun kissed each particle. Each leaf, each naked tree branch, each rock, each blade of winter dried grass were shimmering with a rainbow aura glittering with a life of its own.

Across the valley a frozen waterfall glittered with brilliant white sparkles running down its length like its waters flowed in spring. She didn’t understand how it was possible that a rainbow arched over the cascading frozen water but it was there in all its glory just as it would on sunny warm days when the water was flowing freely.

In the distance an eagle circled scanning the waters of the partially frozen river that flowed from the waterfall through the middle of the valley. It flew along its length through the sharply edged sky, crisp and clear, not a cloud in sight looking for its prey, suddenly diving down towards the surging waters extending its talons, grasping and soaring back skyward turning to be lost in the folds of the cliffs surrounding the falling waters. It was a sight she would never tire of looking at.

She still felt no pain. She didn’t know how long she had been waiting. It almost seemed a lifetime but as she saw a drop of moisture dangling from the tip of the leaf in front of her, ever so slowly slide from the leaf and fall, she realized time wasn’t moving but at an infinitesimal rate. Or was it? The eagle she had seen but moments before had been soaring effortlessly in what had appeared to be normal time. She followed the drop of moisture with her eyes for what seemed like hours until it splattered onto the rock a mere inches below the leaf.

Time wasn’t standing still but it definitely wasn’t moving at the speed she had been existing in for most of her life. She felt like she was living another lifetime in just that single moment of when the moisture droplet began to fall until it splattered upon the rock. This was beauty. A beauty she had never beheld before in her lowly existence.

The blackness was calling her, drawing her towards it. It felt like a physical thing, like a rope tied around her, pulling her towards it. For a moment she considered resisting it but she knew it would not matter for she could no longer withhold herself from it, and it was time, time for her to go. There wasn’t anything left for her here anymore. She felt it pulling her, drawing her in. She kept looking straight ahead, at all the beauty before her. She wanted the last thing she saw to be that gorgeous view hoping it would be imprinted upon her as she traveled to whatever awaited her. She saw the blackness start to surround that beauty, narrowing her vision, she focused harder and harder on the center, all too aware of the surrounding darkness taking more and more of the sight she viewed until all that was left was a tiny point of light.

Then that tiny point of light started to become brighter and brighter until she thought she would have to close her eyes in order to withstand its intensity. Then it began to expand.

Suddenly something snapped. She hadn’t realized that in all her time of waiting she heard absolutely no sound, no sound at all. At least not until she heard a woman’s soft erotic voice. She knew the voice and yet she didn’t. The woman’s voice flowed through her, and everywhere it flowed it coated her with love and peace as if it were a physical thing that someone could just spread upon one’s body but this didn’t just spread across her body. It invaded every microcosmic spec of her corporeal form and non-corporeal existence. The woman spoke lifting her beyond earth’s plane of existence. She heard the words the woman breathed and before she was able to absorb their meaning she felt herself convulse, crying out ‘NO!’ and the pinpoint of light that had started to expand to engulf her and take her away had started to recede.

The pain she had awaited, slammed into her physical form, hit her with a blinding intensity that had her screaming for mercy. Screaming to let her die, to not leave her behind. She cried and called to the woman asking her what had she done to be refused? To not allow her to finally be at peace?

She felt the woman smile at her. She felt again the overwhelming peace and love flow all around her and through her. Then she heard the words flowing over her, ‘Nothing. You have done nothing wrong. It is not your time yet.’ And in that same moment of when the woman’s voice became silence, the searing pain engulfed her again, shattering every single microcosmic speck of the peace and love she had felt, shattering like glass as a rock was tossed through it.

The point of light that had begun to expand, now receded, slamming shut with a finality encasing her in a bleakness that she thought surely would kill her. Then the blackness returned and with it the excruciating pain found its home.

She was letting the blackness take her, take her down, and down, hoping it would take her down and away from the pain. Her pain was both physical and mental now and the two together were more than she could bear. More than she had ever had to bear at any other time in her whole life.

She allowed herself to sink further and further into the darkness but the pain did not recede. It throbbed in every part of her body, but screamed within her mind. She tried to hide in the blackest of corners but it throbbed and bit at her, demanding her attention. She refused to give it. She refused to allow anything to exist for her any more.

But something was nagging at her, something just kept nagging at her like one of those dogs you hear about that once they bite down, won’t let go until they kill whatever it is they have in their teeth. She tried. She tried to ignore it. Tried to sink deeper into the darkness but it just wouldn’t let her. Wouldn’t let her go.

Part 2, Broken: The Voice That Sings

©2013 Kate Spyder

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Freshly Milked?

At first sip
It wasn’t right.
The smell I smelled
Was just too ripe!
The taste did too
Which wasn’t contrite!
It had the smell and taste too
Of what I smelled
When passing by
A field freshly fertilized.
How could this be?
I couldn’t believe
That a gallon of milk
Would so displease.
The aroma,
The taste,
God what a waste.
A whole gallon of milk
Poured down the drain.

Copyright 2013 Kate Spyder (29Sept2013 11:20 PM PT)

Water Droplets

Let the water droplets fall,
Where they may.
They tell a story,
No matter where,
They lay.
Be they slow,
To softly fall,
Or thunderous,
With loud applause.
The story they tell,
Is never the same.
Each droplet contains,
Miles spent,
Years traveled,
Blessings,
Or,
Curses,
They mix,
One and the same,
When released,
From the heavens,
To sweep us away.

Copyright 2013 Kate Spyder (29Sept2013 10:41 PM PT)

Cancer

Are you sure?
I have no doubt.
Why?
I don’t know.

It’s so not fair.
What have I done,
To deserve this?
I can’t cry now. I have to be strong.

Where is my child?
Why is she not here?
I want to hold her.
Tell her I’m still here.

Why have you come?
I don’t want you to see me.
Not like this,
With my hair all gone.

Do you see the scar?
Tell me it’s almost gone.
I can’t face what it tells me.
That it isn’t all gone.

I feel so tired.
Will she understand?
Will she be okay,
Without holding my hand?

Don’t let me see,
The sorrow you feel so deep.
Don’t let me see,
The fear we both feel beneath.

I will be alright.
I will be alright.
I will be alright.
I will be alright.

No, it can’t be!
The time is not right!
I have so much more to do!
Don’t close the lid tight!

Take me from this darkness.
I need to see the light.
I need to know she will be alright.
Where is she? Does she cry at night?

I would hold her hand,
Just one more night.

Copyright 2013 Kate Spyder (25Sept2013 7:57 PM PT)

Death

Their cries become whimpers.
It’s all so unfair.
Breath comes short and ragged,
Then eventually not there.

Copyright 2013 Kate Spyder (25Sept2013 7:48 PM PT)

My Knight

It hurt to sit here gazing at the stars,
All alone without any tears.
What use was love if not to share,
A little bit of one’s despair?

He came in stealth,
A knight of wealth,
More glorious than he appeared,
A strong hand holding his spear.

My heart was lost,
Beyond life’s cost,
Rendered for all eternity,
Until he smiled his smile upon me.

Within his breath he held me captive,
While his hands set me free.
His spear he did wield with assured skill,
Tearing asunder all that he plundered.

He plundered the wastelands,
The garbage dumps,
The sewage traps,
Then opened the doors, tapped with his spear,
And turned it all to treasure.

Now I sit here gazing
At the moon, the stars and the sun.
No despair to share,
Only love from here to there.

His wealth is not financial,
Nor materials of any kind.
He sees your true heart,
And welcomes you from the start.

My knight is only human,
Giving his heart without hesitation.
I wish I could hold his hand,
Or feel his soft kiss upon my cheek,

But alas it is not to be.

Copyright 2013 Kate Spyder (24Sept2013 10:48PM)

I Want, I Need

I want,
I need,
I have to have your touch.
Touch me with your tongue
Your fingers, across my disintegrating skin.

I want,
I need,
I have to have your smile.
Immerse me in your smile
Dragging me to the depths of the abyss.

I want,
I need,
I have to have your love.
Scorch me with your love
Piercing my heart with each ravenous flame.

I want,
I need,
I have to have your breath.
Breathe your last breath
Into my waiting mouth

I want,
I need,
I have to have your soul.
Wrap me in your soul
Touch me, smile at me, love me, breath with me,
Blend our souls until we cease to exist.

Copyright 2013 Kate Spyder (23Aug2013 9:38pm)

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