Virtual Rape

What is it about people who contact you then expect you to be the one to carry the conversation? You weren’t the one to reach out to them initiating the contact, so why is it, their lack of polite conversation is minimal at best and leaves great gaps of silence when you aren’t the one always coming up with something to say?

There are others who state they just want to chat and within one conversation they are telling you how crazy it is that they ‘feel’ this connection with you.  You respond nicely and continue to chat, then when something at home demands your attention and you are away for fifteen minutes, you come back to words of how you were missed. Or if you say you can’t chat right now because you are taking care of a sick child, they say they will wait, and then send you ‘hello’ messages every few hours even when you are offline.

Then there are others who assume you are there for cybersex even after you make it perfectly clear when they first contact you that cybersex is something you don’t do.  They never ask why but invariably bring the topic around to talk of sex. What do you like they ask? What position is your favorite is another question. What kind of fantasies do you have? Then they assume since you are willing to be open and answer their questions that now it is okay to venture into roll play and cybersex. And forget all about all the other things that make up a person’s character and personality and what makes them tick.

It doesn’t take a genius to know all they ever wanted was to get their rocks off.  They don’t care why the person first told them they don’t do cybersex.

This all from people who contact you, not you reaching out and contacting them and not you reaching out and asking for cybersex.

In the past few years, but in particularly the last few months it has become very clear that those in the first couple of groups mentioned above are doing what in psychology is called transference.  They are transferring their own desires and needs upon another person. They ignore what that other person says, and project their own words and thoughts onto that individual and believe their words and thoughts are the other person’s words and thoughts and so they never see the real person before them whether they are standing physically in front of them or virtually across a network of chat software.

I prefer to be seen as my own person and to see others as their own person. I admit that sometimes I may not see clearly especially if I am in the midst of my own heartache and/or confusion of emotions and so I can find forgiveness for others if they are genuinely sorry for overstepping the boundaries I have set. It is very difficult to forgive others who refuse to acknowledge what they have done, and though I may forgive, it comes from a place of sadness and sorrow and feeling sorry for their inability to see through the shutters they have placed over their eyes and hearts.

I am 53 years old, as I write this. I’m not young, not old, not in perfect shape. I’m a single parent, and work full time. I’ve never been married and if you read my last few blogs you may understand why and that I’m working on improving and understanding my inner self. Meeting new people is difficult and sometimes chatting with a new friend online is the difference between a lonely night and a joyful experience with a friend.

This blog however is not about cybersex, whether I approve of it or not, or even if I on occasion enjoy it. It is about other people respecting the people they contact, chat with, come in contact with in any form, whether it is in person or virtually or in written words. Respect of individuals, having or not having, can be the difference between building a wonderful relationship, (whether it is friendship or a romance, siblings or parents, uncles or aunts), and ripping the soul completely out of a person who responded to a stranger’s hello with trust and respect gift wrapped in the form of their person.

To try and thrust onto a person your idea of who you want them to be and how you want them to respond to you and your needs is worse than disrespectful. It is rape. A rapist doesn’t care about the individual, what they are thinking, how they feel, or what they want. All they care about is controlling their victim to do what the rapist wants them to do, therefore, erasing the individual and forcing the victim to do and say what the rapist desires. The rapist will do this in whatever form of manipulation they see fit to use that will work on the victim.

The person-A who ignores the boundaries that the other person-B puts in place and proceeds to manipulate that person-B for the sole purpose of getting them to do what they want thereby erasing the individual and forcing them to do and say what person-A desires, is the same thing a rapist does. Read above and look at the sentences, think about person-A being a stranger online contacting someone who says they don’t do cybersex and then proceeds to move the conversation into talking of sex, after having discussed only briefly what each other likes to do in general. Conversation switches to likes and dislikes in a person, then in the bedroom, then in specific sexual acts and positions. Then into what type of fantasies each has, then coercion into roll play and cybersex. All manipulation to get what person-A wanted when first making contact regardless of the boundaries set by person-B.

I write this to try and get people to think about what they are doing, what others are doing, to think about whether we are projecting our own wants and desires onto someone who does not want or desire what is being projected. But most of all to think about what others are saying and doing and to not allow yourself to be manipulated into something you do not want to do. Rape is rape whether it is virtual, mental or physical. People may say, well they went along with it, they could have stopped me at any time but they enjoyed it too, in the end it boils down to the fact a boundary was set in place and ignored. A home burglar ignores the boundaries of the home, and it is called invasion, robbery, and the burglar can be put in jail. You have the right to set boundaries, and expect them to be respected, and then protect them. Don’t let a cyber-rapist manipulate you into getting past the boundary you set.


3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. gogologophile
    Sep 23, 2013 @ 21:02:53

    I totally feel your view on this and have way too often been tricked into uncomfortable situations online. It boggles my mind how so many accept such vileness as normal, acceptable behavior when it is clearly unwanted. However I completely disagree and am rather offended by deeming it “rape”, as someone who has been raped, the experiences are vastly different. I do not mean to discredit your emotions as no one should be made to feel such a way, but I had to add my two cents on this one.

    In any case, this was very well written and I hope some of those creepers read it and realize how sick their actions are – or at least that it spreads some awareness to this all too common problem. A post like this could and should really make a difference. 🙂


    • Kate Spyder
      Sep 23, 2013 @ 21:48:57

      Thank you for your comments. I did not mean to offend anyone in my post. This is written from my experiences and my point of view, after all that is what a blog is all about. I knew it would be controversial and I welcome all opinions even if they conflict with mine. If my view somehow belittled your experiences then I apologize, but I do not apologize for my feelings on this subject and the depth of what it does to me. I stand by my opinion for there is rape in my background as well. We all view things in a different way and I respect your opinion. Thank you for sharing.


      • gogologophile
        Sep 23, 2013 @ 21:56:46

        I respect your feelings and did not mean to belittle your experiences either. I am glad you are sharing your thoughts and feelings. It’s so important. I hope you experience less of that unnecessary drama people feel the need to inflict on others. And I applaud you for standing up for your views. 🙂

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