Learning to Love Myself

I’ve had people tell me I am smart. I am intelligent. That I am strong. They envy me my independence and ability to stand up for myself and do what I need to do to make my life better for me and my daughter. But in all the years I have never told myself those things. I’ve never looked deeply at all the things I have done in my life and thanked myself for taking care of me.

I was strong enough to walk away from several potential sexual abuse situations and keep myself strong, but I never allowed myself to grieve over the loss of my innocence that those situations stole. I also never allowed myself to grieve over the loss of the loving relationships that had existed prior to the change those situations caused. I also never forgave myself for not seeing the danger.

I blamed myself for a lot of what transpired throughout my life even though they were things I could never control. I couldn’t control the anger my father presented to us nor could I control the lack of love expressed by any of my family members. The only thing I could control were my own emotions and my own responses to what was presented to me and unfortunately I buried them deep within myself. I have never forgiven myself for having made those choices. Instead I blamed myself and my family. Then when each and every relationship failed, I blamed myself and buried my feelings even deeper.

Then a couple months ago I saw the connection between how I related in relationships with how I was raised and though the light turned on, it only turned on half way. I chose to blame my parents for my failures instead of understanding I needed to understand that the way I handled relationships was my fault and not theirs and I needed to learn to forgive myself for what I perceived as my own failures.

I can continue to look back and blame everything on my past, but that would just keep me in my past and never moving forward. I could continue to allow my past to control me and never forgive myself but that would never open the door for me to have a truly loving and fulfilling relationship.

Instead, today I choose to find the things about myself that I like, love and respect and learn to forgive myself and love myself. I started by writing down those things I like and it was harder than I thought it would be. Someone told me to be gentle on self-judgements and that isn’t as simple as it might sound.  It is very difficult to not be hard on one’s self but I’m trying. I’m trying by looking at some of the more simple things I do every day for myself and my daughter that are done with very little thought behind them, but things I just do, not because they have to be done but because I like doing them. I enjoy doing them. Like waking my daughter up in the morning for school, even though it can be frustrating because she doesn’t want to get up, she reminds me of how I was at her age. Even though she has her own alarm and I am working on teaching her to be responsible for herself, I do enjoy seeing her wake and look at me and wrap me in her arms to give me my morning hug and kiss that welcomes our day. I just hope I can learn to love myself as much as I love her. Maybe someday with her help I’ll be able to do just that.

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Change is Good

I feel like a baby beginning to walk again. That’s not bad mind you, just a bit disconcerting at times. I’ve been reading a blog “Earth Connections”. It is like one of those blessed books you find where every page, every sentence, every word seems to have been written specifically for you.

A day or so before I found “Earth Connections” I wrote the following, which I never finished, it was like it was waiting for something else.

It isn’t the dew on the grass that makes me feel this way. It isn’t the sun on the leaves either, nor their new colors before they tumble and fall to the damp grass.

I feel confused, and also excited. I feel blessed but also possibly cursed. I feel the strands of the nether reaching out to pluck at my happiness telling me it isn’t at all what it seems.

Maybe love is supposed to be quite ethereal. Or maybe it is just that I’m not really of this world but other worldly. What am I to think?

I don’t believe in God as other people do. I gave that up many years ago for it held a crap load of contradictions, and predispositions. I did not, I could not believe as they do, as the organized religions do. This is not me, and never has been no matter how hard I tried to bend, and mold myself into whatever form I could.

I tried bending and molding myself into that form for years and ignored the voice within. I am however finding it amazing how much I have come to understand intuitively even through all the years of trying to bury it deep underneath the organized church teachings.

So now I feel like a baby who is first learning to walk, looking out over the landscape and realizing nothing is outside of my reach, but not really knowing where to place my first step. Intuition tells me to focus inward to get in touch with my heart and spirit and all else will flow.

I’m not afraid of this new world that I can manifest. In fact I feel relieved. There is someone out there who has confirmed what I’ve intuitively felt my whole life.

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