Slowly, Perpetually, Going Insane…

For the past three months I stepped away from almost all online activity other than checking my email and only searching for websites when something in my life required it. Not even any online chatting. Even phone calls to friends sort of took a nose dive into oblivion.

I took this time away to do some internal searching and evaluation. It was and is quite difficult to realize I am slowly, and quietly going insane while no one sees or cares.

I have no doubt I’m not alone in this evaluation however no one will admit it, even me, at least until recently. I wonder how long it will take others to finally admit it. Even if they do, I find no one broaches subjects that could possibly be hurtful. In fact, no one broaches subjects other than the politically correct niceties any more. Even the “Hi, how are you.” Is expected to be returned by “I’m fine thanks for asking.” While everyone knows it isn’t the truth but allowing the lie to convince them it isn’t a lie and gives them permission to ignore what is behind the façade.

There is something to be said for insanity. Insanity allows a person to say anything, even the truth while not hurting anyone, because everyone knows you are insane and that what comes out of your mouth is total nonsense to be shrugged off and ignored and whispered, “Do you see how crazy they are? It’s so sad.” While shaking their head and ignoring the truth of the statement.

In a larger part the world is perceived as insane so what goes on in it receives the same treatment as individuals of insanity. “Oh do you see how insane the world is? It’s so sad, especially for our children.” While shaking their heads and walking off ignoring all the truth around them.

I used to think I could change the world, but instead the world changed me. Made me cynical, distrustful, and doubt everything about myself and others. I used to think there was a man out there who would love me with so much depth he would fight for me. He would break down walls for me. He would show me that love really exists. But sadly I’m starting to believe that I believed in a lie.

And now I find myself slowly, perpetually, going insane.

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7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Joe Bradshaw
    Mar 29, 2014 @ 12:09:28

    You are awesome and quite Gorgeous…. I believe that you can find and will find what you want when you find that love of you and love you!! I hope that you can find peace in your heart and will when you find that love of you.

    With love,
    Joe

    Reply

  2. farrahdomid
    Mar 31, 2014 @ 11:46:01

    I wish I could hug you for this. I know that’s weird to say, but this post is so great because everything you said is true. People don’t care to hear what’s really going on. &Just like you, I’ve realized that I’m slowly going insane too. Life can be tough. I hope you find your way out of this hole. Really great post 🙂

    Reply

    • Kate Spyder
      Mar 31, 2014 @ 22:44:55

      Your comment brought a smile. I’d give you a hug back if I could. Those of us going insane need to stick together, that way we can grin and point and say, ‘look at them, and they think we are insane’ and laugh until we are grasping our stomachs and tears flow down our cheeks. I just had a most brilliant thought, if you don’t like what you see, change your perspective. After all a hole is only a hole when we are standing in it upon our feet, stand on your hands and what does it look like then? Then all you have to do is fall down instead of climb out. And now I know you will believe I’m truly insane. 🙂

      Reply

      • farrahdomid
        Apr 01, 2014 @ 18:17:35

        I could never think you’re insane because you’re amazing 😉 Did that really just pop into your head? I visually imagined that. You’re absolutely right, changing your perspective can change everything. I wish everyone would just put their guards down and be accepting of the fact that we’re all a little crazy. There’s nothing wrong with that.

      • Kate Spyder
        Apr 01, 2014 @ 19:00:11

        Yes, it did, actually, most of my writing starts with just a single sentence or thought that blossoms into something unexpected. Under my Breathe In My Touch blog, I recently wrote a 2 part story Held Captive that just started with the very first line in both parts, I had no idea where it was going until I got to the end. And many times when I write to others, emails or comments like this, thoughts like the one I had just pop in. I love writing. I hated writing on paper but love it on the computer. The computer seems to have released my mind because here I can write almost as fast as my thought processes whereas on paper it was just too slow and before I knew it I had several thoughts that never made it on paper. I can’t tell you how many times I wish people would not only speak from their heart and candidly but also be willing to listen to the depth of me. I think if we did there would be a whole lot more love in the world instead of anger and hostility. But the key is to listen and not take things personally but try and understand something as simple as ‘I don’t like your hair’ isn’t a jab at the person but just a sharing of their feelings of what they like or don’t like, not that I’m asking anyone to change but just to share who I am.

      • farrahdomid
        Apr 01, 2014 @ 23:08:22

        YES, YES, YES, and YES! Are you secretly hiding in my brain, Kate? The whole time I read your response, I’m nodding and nodding because it’s all the same for me. I will definitely be reading that story 🙂

      • Kate Spyder
        Apr 02, 2014 @ 00:14:12

        HaHaHa.. maybe farrah, just maybe. After all where does one person end and another begin? There is a particular star trek episode I love, where a world is attacked by what they discover to be single cell organisms which they find later are parts of a larger organism. What if we are just one small part of a greater being. If that were so then maybe we are hiding in each other’s brain and subconsciously we know it and that is what scares the crap out of everyone.

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