Opening and Closing Doorways… which do you want open?

This weekend has been a reminder to me. A reminder to be true to myself. To not let the superficial interfere with allowing life to flow harmoniously. To not allow insecurity to play a role in deceiving myself. But mostly to not run away from anything that awakens me to what lies dormant within me.

It is interesting when one changes their focus how doorways will open and others close. I made a leap in my own observations realizing the focus I had was not clear, was not defined enough in detail and thus was allowing distractions or should I say detours from my intended course.

Sometimes focusing on a point too far in the future will allow for too many possibilities that in the end will steer us off course. This is what was happening to me.

When I realized this, I asked myself how I could correct my course and ultimately attract that which I ultimately seek. As in programming a super computer, one doesn’t sit down and write the program in one long uninterrupted session. Though a genius probably could, it isn’t usually done and a genius probably knows it is better to do so in incremental steps.

This is the conclusion I came to. Instead of focusing on the end result, as ‘the result’ which was not completely clear anyway because of too many unknowns, I switched my focus to visualize the first step in the process. Then to alter that visualization as progress is achieved to reach the next step in the process all the while keeping the idea of the destination as a reference point while allowing flexibility for change in the destination if what is learned along the journey brings one the knowledge that the original destination is no longer desirable.

What I realized in doing so is the end is not really an end at all but an ongoing process that brings us much more than we were ever able to visualize when we were focused on the end result.

A friend told me, “the journey is more important than the destination”.

Though I had already taken the steps I did to alter my focus, his words reminded me, that my altered course was now about enjoying the journey and in fact I have no doubt if I had not altered my course, the door to meeting him would have remained closed.

Our choices open some doors and closes other doors. If the right doors are not opening then maybe we are not making the right choices.

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Meeting Myself for the First Time

Have you ever met someone and as you were getting to know them, you realized this was a person you could love with your whole heart and soul, no matter their flaws, no matter the mistakes they have made in their past and no matter how badly you had been hurt in your past?

Have you ever met someone that when they looked at you, you knew they saw something that no matter how hard you looked in a mirror, or looked deep inside yourself, you would only see a brief glimpse at what they saw or couldn’t see it at all?

Did you ever run into a single person that comprised all of this and possibly more? Then after finding each other, know without a doubt that you will never be together. That circumstances are such that you will never physically be together or if you are it will only be for a brief period, and if that is all you have together then it is all you need?

When I took a step back a few months ago to peer deeply into myself and research the very core of my being, I set upon a journey I thought I knew where it would take me.

I was wrong.

The journey to my core was full of denials, I had to put aside. I had to look at my past and see how it had shaped me.  Some of it was shocking, some a little difficult to accept, others very difficult to accept, and many revealed to me just how lost I had been for fifty-three years. All of what I found revealed to me just how resilient the human soul can be, how human nature protects itself until it is strong enough to withstand the tempest that swirls and tries to consume within from the manipulations and deceptions meant to control and place us in a nice tidy compact box.

Even after all of that, I still had not reached the core of my being, of who I am. Buried the deepest was knowledge.  The knowledge that told me I was surrounded by lies, manipulations, deceptions, and prejudices. Throughout my life, I was secretly pulled in opposite directions. I fell easily into the polluted main stream and allowed my beliefs to be polluted as well.  I heard the whispers telling me to not allow myself to be swept into the polluted waters but I was weak. But not so weak that I allowed it to completely smother the central core of my knowledge. It whispered to me throughout my life in questions deftly disguised to draw me towards the truth.

I sit here today where I once thought my core to be black and brittle as coal, I now see a brilliantly bright light that is difficult to look upon. And yet I do, without sunglasses to shield my eyes, and without blinders to steer me aside. I see the truth of my core within and for the first time in my life I can honestly say I love what and who I see.  I feel joy at looking at her.  In so doing, I now can feel joy and love when looking at, being with, and communicating with others. I know inside they also have their own core that shines just as brightly if they would only take the time and courage to look.

The discovery of my core has opened doors I never expected to be opened. It was like finding a door that had always been there if I had just looked or, if I had looked, had remained locked until I earned the key to open it.  My journey has taught me I should not allow others to blind me into believing what they believe but to search out my own belief and be confident in what I find.

I am constantly surprised by the brightness of my core, and the knowledge found there that had always existed for me to tap into. I can see that knowledge at work throughout my whole life in every aspect and every corner, every question that popped into my thoughts when something went wrong or something didn’t look right or someone did something that hurt, or frightened me.

In a way, I have met myself for the first time. In finding her I have discovered the very same things in the person mentioned above, and in doing so, I know my journey will never end. Even if that person cannot be physically by my side, I know he will be there no less in spirit. He helped me, to introduce me, to me.

For a long time, I felt responsible for events in my life I had no control over, then I felt shame for how those events shaped me and the thoughts that at times seemed to devour me. Today, I toss those feelings aside and embrace love.  Love of self, and my love of him.  I feel indebted to him but I know he would not accept that. He would say he has done nothing.  I would disagree, of course. He accepts me, all of me, my darkness, and the light and everything in between and I have no difficulty doing the same of him.

How is it we find, when others judge us, we can so easily judge them in return, and when we find others who can accept us as we are, it is so easy to accept them as they are? This is new to me for I never found anyone who could or would accept me as I am and actually cherish every single part of me. So the question I ask is a new discovery for me, in finding how easily it really is to love someone unconditionally when they love you the same way.

We all hesitate to reveal our deepest and darkest secrets and for good reason.  Too many people would judge us and some would even use it to hurt us. But when you find that someone who can love you no matter what, it gives you the freedom to not only love them in return but to also have the courage to look deep within and learn to love ourselves in the same way.

(dedicated to Allen+)

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