Have you ever listened to a sermon when you could not distinguish the words being spoken?
I work from home, which sometimes is a curse and sometimes a blessing. I also live in a basement suite of a residential home. The landlord and her husband are wonderful people and have been so helpful to us when we moved in. We moved across the continent renting the suite sight unseen and have not regretted our move or the location or the suite we have rented. I could not have asked for a better landlord and I’ve had several throughout my life. This story is not about them or about our living situation here. It isn’t even about religion so to speak.
In raising my daughter and in my life experience, I have learned that the tone of your voice has more bearing upon how others perceive you and perceive what you are saying. I have experimented with my own voice, especially with my daughter to see how different tonal qualities along with the expression on my face and body language will impact her in regards to learning, listening and adjusting her behaviour.
I have learned that a strong hard voice along with a stern facial expression is most effective in gaining her attention and getting my point across. However, as a child, I also learned that if this is accompanied by hateful statements all it does is generate harm and resistance to wanting to learn or change one’s behaviour.
On the other hand, if I want to teach my daughter about love, family and compassion, then I find having a soft voice with loving overtones is most effective.
When we lived on the East Coast I knew a family that on occasion you could hear the parents screaming at their children or even each other from two houses away. On occasion I would have their children in my home under my care while playing with my daughter. If something happened in which I needed to step in and talk to them about something they did that wasn’t appropriate, I found if I used the same technique I used with my daughter with the firm voice and stern face, the only response I received were blank faces and silent voices. They would stand perfectly still, look me in the eye, and all I saw was emptiness. No understanding. No thinking of any sort. Just blank. It was almost as if they thought if they stood perfectly still and said absolutely nothing that they could pretend I wasn’t there and that they had done nothing wrong. If after this I asked them a simple question in a soft voice they still would not move or speak. They would not budge until I walked away.
As an adult, the father of my daughter and I lived together for four years. Without any warning for reasons unbeknownst to me, he would suddenly enter into what I called his black moods. He would go silent, not speak a word and the look on his face was pure darkness. He would not look at me. He would not acknowledge me during these times. We went about our day(s) as if we were two people living in a different apartment all alone. These moods would sometimes last for three or more days and suddenly they would end and he would act as if all was perfect and nothing happened and not say a word about why. Then we would go for months without a dark mood appearing. Everything would be wonderful and then suddenly out of the blue ‘BAM’ it was back. My first response when this happened was to think it was something I had done that caused the change in him. By the end of the second year I had decided, unless he would tell me what it was, I would assume it had nothing to do with me. By the end of the third year I knew it had nothing to do with me. During the fourth year, well the relationship was over, our daughter was 2 1/2 years old and along with his moods, other aspects of his behaviour started to effect her, and I asked him to leave.
In all of my experiences, I have always been aware of voice, facial expressions and body language. I learned about them early in my childhood from my own father. Each experience building upon my knowledge. Unfortunately that knowledge remained cryptic until my later years.
I attended church regularly with my family. Over the years from the time I was born until my mid-twenties to early thirties, I attended several different Christian churches of differing denominations. For a long time I wondered why it was when I left a Sunday morning service I would feel emotionally let down, depressed, sometimes angry, sometimes bereft of everything I thought I believed in. I couldn’t come to terms with why this was especially since it was the same no matter which church I attended.
Today, my eyes were opened.
Have you ever heard a sermon without being able to distinguish the words being spoken?
I did today, but at first I did not realize it was a sermon. As I mentioned, I live in a suite of a private home of a wonderful family who have been most generous to us. Due to the house not really being built to house a separate residence within its walls some sounds travel from the upstairs to the downstairs very easily. Today, I heard what sounded like a man talking. No let me correct that, not talking but lecturing. The tone of the voice was quite firm, sometimes quite harsh and the cadence was one of no letting up and not giving anyone time to say anything. I know my landlord’s husband’s voice and I knew this voice was not his. I had never heard this voice from our upstairs, especially not in the tone and cadence being delivered.
I am always aware of activities around me. For instance, it is rare for someone to be able to sneak up behind me. It is also rare for me not to be aware of all the different vibrations of people around me where ever I am, whether it is at a party or in a shopping mall or in a small convenience store or just my daughter and me at home. I am aware of the emotions around me. Not just by their voices but by their stance, their walk, the vibrations their bodies give off. In fact, there have been times I’ve had to leave places because of the negative vibrations I feel.
When I heard the voice upstairs today, my first concern was whether my landlord was home alone and had opened the door to someone and could be in danger. The tone of voice did not change and went on with very little to no intermission. The tone of voice left me with a feeling of anger invoking fear. The cadence was such that it sounded filled with hate and anger. I could not hear the words. When this did not stop after several minutes, I started becoming concerned for my landlord. I stepped to an area of the lower suite that contained the least interference for sound to travel down from the upper level. That was when I finally heard the words being spoken. It only took a sentence or two for me to realize she or they were listening to a sermon either a recording or someone in their home. I walked away with sudden enlightenment as to why in all my years of attending church I felt as I did when I went home.
I have no doubt that I am empathic and very sensitive to the vibrations around me. Sometimes I do not pick up on exactly what it is I’m feeling or why. I was even more so when I was pregnant with my daughter. I’ve been to concerts and in blockbuster or other places where I have almost passed out for what appeared to be no reason and as soon as I removed myself from the location the pressure was relieved and I felt fine.
Have you ever listened to a sermon without being able to distinguish the words being spoken?
Listen to the cadence.
Listen to the tone of the voice.
If you can see, watch the speaker’s facial expressions and body language.
Do you or can you distinguish any difference between the cadence, tone of voice and facial expressions of a sermon and a hate speech?
Even some politicians seem to have crossed over to this type of speaking mechanism to try and win votes. Hmmm… maybe that is why I rarely found anyone I wanted to vote for.
Tell me how can you perceive a message of love, if the voice is hard or harsh? How can you perceive a message of love if the face is stern and unforgiving? How can you perceive a message of love if the body language is on the verge of violence? How can you perceive a message of love when the cadence is marching forward like an army to war?
Or maybe somewhere along the line I’ve been misinformed about what God’s message really is.
I don’t mean to make this about religion. This is really about using your voice, your facial expressions and your body language to match the words and intent behind what is being spoken.
If I want to convey how angry I am, whether it is for something my daughter did that was inappropriate or someone treated me with no respect or I need to defend myself against another person’s attack upon me, then yes I can see using a harsh voice, stern facial expression and tense body language.
But what if I want to show my daughter I love her, or if I want to meet a new neighbor, or new people at a friends party, or want to convince people I could help our school or our city and wanted them to vote for me, or I wanted someone to give money to a charity I was working for? Would talking to them with a hard voice, a stern face and strong body language encourage them or discourage them? Isn’t this just a way of controlling by fear even when our words are all about love, compassion and wanting to help?
I’m just glad I don’t use those same methods when teaching my daughter about love, family and compassion. And really, my method of working with her when she behaves inappropriately doesn’t carry conflicting messages. If I’m angry, she knows it, not just from my voice, my facial expressions and my body language but by the words I speak. If her behaviour is above board and appropriate for the occasion or she does something so amazing, she knows that too, by my voice, my face, my body and the words I use.
If conflicting messages don’t work for our children and believe me they don’t no matter how much others may think they do. How is it that churches, politicians and so many other movements, speakers, CEOs, corporate executives, etc, think conflicting messages empower the people and convince them to follow, or join or that their way is the end all and be all of life as we know it? And why does it work on so many people?
Maybe we should stop listening to the words being spoken and only listen to the tones, and cadence, and observe expressions and body language. After we have absorbed our impressions then and only then go back and listen to the words. See how closely the words match our impressions from the tones, cadence, facial expressions and body language.
And oh yes, this was very helpful with the situation with my daughter’s father. It brought true enlightenment to me of just what his true character is and has protected me ever since against further manipulation. He has a very charismatic personality and can make you believe that poison is wine. I’m not the only one who has been manipulated by him, so beware and take heed. I now employ this skill in as many areas as I can throughout my life. It is amazing what insights make themselves known once it is employed.
Kate Spyder 