Slowly, Perpetually, Going Insane…

For the past three months I stepped away from almost all online activity other than checking my email and only searching for websites when something in my life required it. Not even any online chatting. Even phone calls to friends sort of took a nose dive into oblivion.

I took this time away to do some internal searching and evaluation. It was and is quite difficult to realize I am slowly, and quietly going insane while no one sees or cares.

I have no doubt I’m not alone in this evaluation however no one will admit it, even me, at least until recently. I wonder how long it will take others to finally admit it. Even if they do, I find no one broaches subjects that could possibly be hurtful. In fact, no one broaches subjects other than the politically correct niceties any more. Even the “Hi, how are you.” Is expected to be returned by “I’m fine thanks for asking.” While everyone knows it isn’t the truth but allowing the lie to convince them it isn’t a lie and gives them permission to ignore what is behind the façade.

There is something to be said for insanity. Insanity allows a person to say anything, even the truth while not hurting anyone, because everyone knows you are insane and that what comes out of your mouth is total nonsense to be shrugged off and ignored and whispered, “Do you see how crazy they are? It’s so sad.” While shaking their head and ignoring the truth of the statement.

In a larger part the world is perceived as insane so what goes on in it receives the same treatment as individuals of insanity. “Oh do you see how insane the world is? It’s so sad, especially for our children.” While shaking their heads and walking off ignoring all the truth around them.

I used to think I could change the world, but instead the world changed me. Made me cynical, distrustful, and doubt everything about myself and others. I used to think there was a man out there who would love me with so much depth he would fight for me. He would break down walls for me. He would show me that love really exists. But sadly I’m starting to believe that I believed in a lie.

And now I find myself slowly, perpetually, going insane.

An Insanely Muddy Conversation

“It’s perfectly muddy.”
“What is?”
“The distance from here to there.”
“I see no mud.”
“But it is perfectly there.”
“Where?”
“Down at your toes.”
“There is no mud there.”
“But oh there is, if you just look from here to there.”
“I don’t see what you are saying.”
“Of course you don’t. After all, my voice isn’t muddy.”
“I see no mud. I see not what you are saying. There is no here to there, only my toes down there.”
“And there you have it. It’s perfectly muddy, if all you see are your toes down there.”